The Smurfs

THE SMURFS (Raja Gosnell, 2011)

The little blue guys and gal in THE SMURFS live mostly care-free existences in their quaint village nestled in the wilderness, even if the evil sorcerer Gargamel (Hank Azaria) and his cat Azrael are constantly trying to find and capture them. Gargamel wants to extract the Smurfs’ essence and thus add some extra zing to his magic, but he is clueless as to their whereabouts in the Middle Ages-like surroundings.

The Smurfs are named after their personalities, so it’s the appropriately dubbed Clumsy (Anton Yelchin) who accidentally tips off Gargamel to their hidden homes. While escaping his clutches, six Smurfs are sucked into a portal that delivers them to present day New York City. Gargamel follows closely behind but temporarily loses track of the magical, three apples high creatures in The Big Apple.

The Smurfs wind up in the home of stressed marketing executive Patrick Winslow (Neil Patrick Harris) and his pregnant wife Grace (Jayma Mays). While the Smurfs seem relatively unfazed in this unfamiliar world, they’re also eager to get back to the portal during the next blue moon and return home. Patrick and Grace graciously agree to assist them and keep Gargamel at bay when he pops up again.

Belgian comic book artist Peyo created the Smurfs in the late 1950s. They found popularity in the United States with the 1980s Saturday morning cartoon. A computer-animated feature film about the Smurfs would seem to be the most sensible way to update this kiddie material for a new generation. Instead THE SMURFS and director Raja Gosnell take the eponymous CGI creatures and plop them into a boilerplate, live-action, fish out of water story.

Rather than catering to the kids, who are the only ones likely to care about a Smurfs movie in the first place, the makers try in vain to produce something hip to appeal to all ages, or at least the parents who grew up with the cartoon. Why else is Tim Gunn given a speaking part or do Joan Rivers and TOP CHEF’s Tom Colicchio make cameo appearances? I don’t think five-year-olds are demanding to see their favorites from Bravo’s lineup in this movie.

Such calculated decisions rarely pan out well on the creative side, and THE SMURFS provides a textbook example in the case against this treatment. First and foremost, THE SMURFS’ celebrity voice casting tends to value names that can appear on the poster and stars who will show up on the red carpet. Rather than use voice artists who might better embody these sweet blue beings, the film presents the jarring sounds of George Lopez as Grouchy and Alan Cumming doing a Scottish brogue as Gutsy. Then there’s the nondescript Katy Perry as Smurfette, whose inclusion seems to hinge on putting a Smurf twist on a joke referencing “I Kissed a Girl”. The only one who fits is Jonathan Winters, whose performance doesn’t rely on identifying him as Papa Smurf.

Whether it’s the inappropriate substitution of “smurf” for vulgarities or Smurfette recreating Marilyn Monroe standing over a vent in THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH, the crass humor is out of place for a franchise that is known for sincerity sometimes to the point of sickly sweetness. THE SMURFS itself is one big merchandising trove, yet it’s also littered with scenes that are little more than ads for Guitar Hero and FAO Schwarz.

Harris does a yeoman’s job in not overacting among the CGI Smurfs. Azaria’s hammy performance as Gargamel is fun in its unrestrained weirdness. It’s readily apparent, though, that THE SMURFS would have been better served by sticking with the all animated introduction for the entire running time than adding live action. After all, bringing the story into the physical world often pulls focus from the title characters who are seemingly the attraction.

Grade: C-

Beastly

BEASTLY (Daniel Barnz, 2011)

BEASTLY, the latest Classics for Tweens film adaptation, bedazzles the oft-told BEAUTY AND THE BEAST story with smart phones, social media, tattoos, and Jujubes, as though such contemporary things will keep the kids from noticing how super lamers it is.

Kyle (Alex Pettyfer) is king of the New York academy he attends and doesn’t bother hiding his disgust for anyone who isn’t beautiful and wealthy. His profile at a generic social media site lists likes as those who are “bangable” and dislikes as “fattycakes”. Yes, he’s a real charmer.

In his speech before an adoring prep school crowd, Alex extols the virtues of the genetically and financially blessed and tells his classmates that he wants to win the election for Green Committee president because it will look good on his resumé, not because he cares about the environment. Apparently Green Committee is the new student council as go-to cinematic signifier of prestige and popularity.

After taunting the school’s rumored witch Kendra (a gothed-up Mary-Kate Olsen) one time too many, Kyle is punished for his cocksure and cruel ways. Kendra casts a spell on Kyle that brings his ugliness to the surface, although really she makes him look like Darth Maul with some nasty facial scars and metallic silver Sharpie scribblings on his forehead and bridge of his nose. He will have one year to find someone to proclaim love for him or else the disfigurements will remain permanent.

When it becomes clear that the magic can’t be reversed, his image-conscious news anchor dad (Peter Krause) hides Kyle away with their Jamaican maid Zola (Lisa Gay Hamilton) and blind tutor Will (Neil Patrick Harris). Kyle stews in luxurious isolation for nearly half of the deadline before venturing into New York City in search of a girl who might break the curse.

He has his eye on Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens), a pretty classmate harboring an independent spirit and a crush on him when he was a handsome brute. One night Kyle saves Lindy from the dealers hassling her and her widowed, drug addicted dad. (Strangely, she doesn’t seem to notice who intervenes.) Kyle uses the situation to blackmail her father into sending Lindy to live with him so that she will be safe.

Once she moves into his penthouse, Kyle begins wooing her with Bulgari jewelry and other expensive gifts while hiding underneath a hoodie and lingering behind corners. Lindy doesn’t want such fancy things. After he considers her interests, shows his face, and begins to open up, she warms to him, but time’s a-wasting according to the tattoo that covers his forearm.

Credit BEASTLY with this: it contains as little flab found on Pettyfer’s carved abs. Unlike the bloated TWILIGHT films, the success of which BEASTLY is clearly trying to capitalize on, it’s edited as though there’s a race to burn through the plot points. It’s about as romantic as a stock swap, but at least it cuts to the chase.

Whether it’s remnants from the source material or the film’s weird way of establishing characters, BEASTLY plays as an apologia for bad boys and the saintly girls who find them irresistible. Kyle’s father ignores him and has raised him with poor values. The pompous teen’s edges are supposed to be softened because the hired help wish only the best for him despite his abominable treatment of them, especially Zola. The immigrant servant’s unconditional care and concern for him borders on offensiveness and would surely be viewed that way with the modern perspective on an older film expressing a similar sentiment. Kyle’s actions are rarely unselfish. He’s just desperate to regain his looks. He becomes more sympathetic to those less fortunate in their physical features and bank accounts, but it stands to reason that he might need a reminder of this lesson in a few years.

Lindy’s portraiture is more problematic. She already likes him when he’s in raging jerk mode and excuses his hideous arrogance as unvarnished honesty. She continues to pine for him while everyone believes Kyle is away spending months in rehab. Lindy is merely another in the long line of funky gals with x-ray specs for the souls of egotistical but misunderstood clods. BEASTLY doesn’t have the decency to grant Lindy any assertiveness in this tale. She’s there for Kyle’s needs and nothing else. For all of the film’s nods to today’s society, in this department it remains determinedly archaic.

BEASTLY is teeming with dialogue clunkers that only Harris makes intentionally funny, although his line readings come off as though he’s skipped forward to starring in the inevitable parody sketch. It’s a bad CW drama writ as a feature film, and one undisguised as a Hollywood executive’s wish to horn in on that jackpot of sweet, sweet teen supernatural romance cash at that.

Grade: D