The Worst Films of 2011

If you're wondering why THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE II (FULL SEQUENCE) isn't repeating its predecessor's achievement in topping my Worst of the Year list, the answer is that I had no desire to watch it.

1. BATTLE LOS ANGELES (Jonathan Liebesman, 2011)

Using rapid-fire edits and dispensing with a tripod have been action movie trends for some years, but BATTLE LOS ANGELES pushes these techniques to the limit in a film that is absolutely incomprehensible. No logic exists in how shots are juxtaposed. The nonstop noise and visual bombardment is so fatiguing that it practically induces blindness, as though the information overload shuts down one’s eyes for a few seconds at a time. Rather than entertaining with the military fending off an alien invasion, BATTLE LOS ANGELES assaults the viewer.

2. BELLFLOWER (Evan Glodell, 2011)

With its homemade flamethrowers and MAD MAX-inspired DIY car, BELLFLOWER arrives at the toxic intersection of indie film, fanboy sensibilities, and Etsy. This exceedingly dark plunge into wounded masculinity is merely an artier, Instagram-filtered version of the hypnotically awful cult film THE ROOM.

3. APOLLO 18 (Gonzalo López-Gallego, 2011)

Never mind that the overactive sound design and aggressive cutting in APOLLO 18 blows its found footage conceit. If it is what it purports to be--a document condensing leaked footage of the last manned mission to the moon--withholding secrets until late is pointless in this form, especially if what we’re seeing had previously been uploaded to the internet . While waiting for the filmmakers to reveal the supposedly shocking truths, this tedious fake documentary wanders aimlessly and abuses the Super 8 filter. Making APOLLO 18 in a standard form might not have resulted in a less stupid film, but it surely would have been a better one.

4. THE DARKEST HOUR (Chris Gorak, 2011)

A hot young cast, class of 2007, fills a feature film reminiscent of a lousy TV pilot when networks were churning out LOST clones. The alien invaders are usually invisible, which eases the strain on the FX budget but doesn’t do much for creating excitement while the bland survivors roam a deserted Moscow.

5. NEW YEAR’S EVE (Garry Marshall, 2011)

NEW YEAR’S EVE plays out as if it is an experiment in auto-generated screenplay writing and cast like one fills teams for a draft in fantasy sports leagues. Take a bunch of generic storylines, populate them with recognizable actors, fill a lot of the inconsequential roles with other familiar performers, and toss it all together to create a big pile of ambivalence. Nothing about it feels personal, funny, sad, romantic, or vital in the slightest way. It’s as revelatory as emptying one’s mind and staring at the wall for two hours.



6. JUST GO WITH IT (Dennis Dugan, 2011)  

JUST GO WITH IT features an extraordinarily bad match of star Adam Sandler and farcical material. Sandler has never been the most energetic screen presence, and this romantic comedy’s slack pace kills any potential humor found in the deceptions and misunderstandings. As with GROWN UPS, JUST GO WITH IT feels like a way for the actor to subsidize a vacation with friends under the guise of making a movie.

7. ZOOKEEPER (Frank Coraci, 2011)

If a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters can produce Shakespeare, then ZOOKEEPER must have been banged out by one primate pecking away at a keyboard between sessions playing on a tire swing. This nearly laugh-free amalgamation of DOCTOR DOLITTLE and NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM spends far too much time on romantic comedy machinations and away from the talking animals that are presumably the film’s calling card.

8. THE ROOMMATE (Christian E. Christiansen, 2011)

Say what you will about the bad qualities of THE ROOMMATE, and there are many, but it is easy to watch garbage worth a few derisive laughs. This thriller, which might as well have been titled SINGLE WHITE FEMALE: THE COLLEGE YEARS, fails to nurture a sense of isolation or palpable fear. Then again, it’s hard to feel scared when stars Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester give such hilariously terrible performances.

9. BEASTLY (Daniel Barnz, 2011)

The Classics for Tweens adaptation BEASTLY bedazzles the oft-told BEAUTY AND THE BEAST story with smart phones, social media, tattoos, and Jujubes, but such contemporary things won’t keep kids from noticing how super lame it is. It’s a bad CW drama posing as a feature film and one undisguised as a Hollywood executive’s wish to horn in on that jackpot of sweet, sweet teen supernatural romance cash.

10. CONAN THE BARBARIAN (Marcus Nispel, 2011)

This remake is basically a gorier, bigger budgeted version of a basic cable or syndicated TV series. Lacking in personality and any narrative interest, it’s merely a repository for the gallons of digital blood spilled in the incessant battle sequences.

Video essays of 2010 in Film

I've been co-hosting and producing NOW PLAYING on WOCC TV3 since March 1997. For this year's Best and Worst of 2010 episode--our 369th, by the way--I decided that the time has arrived to post the pre-recorded segments on YouTube. So, if you'd rather watch the read about my Top 10, Honorable Mentions, and Worsts, now you can see them no matter where you are.



The Top 10


The Honorable Mentions of 2010


The Worst Films of 2010

The Worst Films of 2010

1. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE) (Tom Six, 2009)

The most notorious film of 2010, at least among cinephiles on the internet, was also the year’s worst. Like a carnival barker, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE entices the adventurous with the promise of a repulsive display that begs to be seen but fails in its delivery of gory one-upmanship. The film’s most shocking quality is it’s capacity to bore. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is a repellent film, but that's exactly the condemnation it needs to advance its reputation as a transgressive work. Being disreputable is the film's only distinguishing characteristic, even if in this case its offenses have been overhyped to Barnum-esque proportions successfully enough that a sequel is in the works.

2. TRASH HUMPERS (Harmony Korine, 2009)

TRASH HUMPERS, from cinematic agitator Harmony Korine, is a tiresome example of shock for shock’s sake. Shot on VHS and edited to resemble a weird, grubby found videotape, it’s a bunch of performance art nonsense with the director and others in old people masks humping garbage and vandalizing. Just because it’s outré doesn’t mean it’s profound or artful.

3. ENTER THE VOID (Gaspar Noe, 2010)

French provocateur Gaspar Noe’s ENTER THE VOID certainly doesn’t lack ambition. This psychedelic, first person perspective of a young drug dealer’s death, voyage into the hereafter, and rebirth is artistically indulgent in the worst way. With the camera floating around Tokyo, watching ENTER THE VOID is like seeing a sexed-up two and a half hour loop of the old Dolby Digital Broadway promo while on heavy depressants and hallucinogens.

4. JONAH HEX (Jimmy Hayward, 2010)

The adaptation of the graphic novel JONAH HEX was the most ineptly made major studio film of the year. Like PUSHING DAISIES' Ned without the delicious pie-making skills, Josh Brolin's disfigured anithero can resurrect and speak with the dead for a few moments, but making the film comprehensible at all is beyond his powers or anyone else’s powers. JONAH HEX isn’t merely bad; it’s flat out incompetent.

5. THE BLACK WATERS OF ECHO’S POND (Gabriel Bologna, 2009)

That the Z-grade horror film THE BLACK WATERS OF ECHO’S POND managed to swing a theatrical release is something of a miracle. This is more like a cheap knock-off found in the DVD bargain bin than a multiplex. A despicable group of young, bland, and obnoxious people are stuck on an island playing an evil board game that predictably leads to most of them being killed. The murky visuals and number of scenes reliant on ponderous dialogue show every bit of its low budget on the screen.

6. THE VIRGINITY HIT (Huck Botko and Andrew Gurland, 2010)

The hugely off-putting teensploitation comedy THE VIRGINITY HIT purports to be a documentary about a hateful group of friends seeking to document the last of the bunch having sex for the first time. The premise itself isn’t drastically different from other teen sex comedies, but what makes it truly insufferable is the conceit that these are real home videos of their adolescent shenanigans. For these characters, personal privacy and intimacy are just obstacles to putting every experience on YouTube.

7. THE WARRIOR’S WAY (Sngmoo Lee, 2010)

THE WARRIOR’S WAY mashes up genres and styles in an unlikely and catastrophic manner. Imagine a martial arts western as directed by a Prozac-addled Jean-Pierre Jeunet. Imagine how terrible that sounds, even with some late arriving ninjas. That’s THE WARRIOR’S WAY.

8. THE NUTCRACKER IN 3D (Andrey Konchalovskiy, 2010)

The hideous poster for THE NUTCRACKER IN 3D practically promised that it would be one of the year’s worst. Call it truth in marketing, even if that surely wasn’t the intent. Unfortunately this adaptation of the classic ballet is just a dull, badly conceived, effects-heavy farrago than the amusingly terrible movie I’d hoped for. Still, it does have Nathan Lane playing Einstein, or someone suspiciously close to him, and an impending toy holocaust that is sure to horrify any kids with the bad luck to see it.

9. CATS & DOGS: THE REVENGE OF KITTY GALORE (Brad Peyton, 2010)

I can’t imagine any poor souls were holding their breath for nine years in anticipation of a CATS & DOGS sequel, but 2010 produced this inessential follow-up anyway. As the titles suggests, CATS & DOGS: THE REVENGE OF KITTY GALORE is a lame spy movie parody with talking animals. Does it recycle all the tired cliches one expects? You bet.

10. SEX AND THE CITY 2 (Michael Patrick King, 2010)

SEX AND THE CITY 2 takes self-absorption in front of and behind the camera to new levels. The comedy represents all of the worst stereotypes of Americans at home and abroad. It’s an amazingly tone deaf film with the audacity to pat the nation’s mothers on the head when two of the spoiled characters bemoan the weight of parenting without a nanny. The critics heaped scorn on SEX AND THE CITY 2, and it was all deserved. But never mind that. SHOES!!!

The Worst Films of 2009

Bad films? I've seen a few. Out of everything I saw in 2009, the following list represents the films that lie at or below approximately the fifth percentile. Tread carefully.

1. NEXT DAY AIR (Benny Boom, 2009)

Benny Boom's extraordinarily tedious crime comedy NEXT DAY AIR doesn't even reach the benchmark of a cut-rate Guy Ritchie movie. There's not much to this story of improperly delivered drugs and the violent, supposedly hilarious hijinks that result. The shifts between stoner comedy and blood-spattered action are difficult to reconcile, particularly in the grim finale.

2. MISS MARCH (Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore, 2009)

It isn't news that movies are often generated as product rather than art, but even by the lowest of standards MISS MARCH is a pathetic example of a film as corporate brand extender. In the sex comedy a high school square on the verge of losing his virginity awakens years later from a coma to find his former classmate and dream girl is a Playboy centerfold. MISS MARCH is a comedic dead zone, which is bad enough. Worse yet, it exists as little more than a feature-length pitch for Playboy's brand of softcore erotica and lifestyle aspirations.

3. SURVEILLANCE (Jennifer Lynch, 2008)

Even if there were no blood connection between SURVEILLANCE writer-director Jennifer Lynch and her father David Lynch, the film would play like a pale imitation of her parent's work. The comparisons are hard to avoid when the younger Lynch evokes the same hyperreal atmosphere and tone, uses similar stylistic flourishes in sound design and visual strategies, and casts actors familiar from her father's films. Although SURVEILLANCE is gory and transgressive, which would presumably maintain marginal levels of interest, it's boring to a fault.

4. OLD DOGS (Walt Becker, 2009)

The old dogs of the title may refer to the not quite senior citizen leads, but it's a more apt description of the shopworn and laughless jokes occupying this woofer of a comedy. The threadbare screenplay is stitched together from the worst and most clichéd ideas to emerge from--and should be discarded during--a brainstorming session. OLD DOGS' embarrassingly broad performances, including but not limited to Robin Williams and John Travolta, contain more ham than a grocery's meat department at Easter. It's one thing to make an attempt and not succeed, but OLD DOGS doesn't muster genuine enthusiasm to give its best shot. OLD DOGS needed to be put down before a frame was shot, especially when letting it linger on and become this product is thoroughly humiliating for everyone involved.

5. Horror schlock: THE COLLECTOR (Marcus Dunstan, 2009), THE FINAL DESTINATION (David R. Ellis, 2009), FRIDAY THE 13TH (Marcus Nispel, 2009), HALLOWEEN II (Rob Zombie, 2009)

Deficiencies in storytelling and formulaic execution plague any number of horror films, especially the seemingly endless stream of sequels and franchise reboots. The first FRIDAY THE 13TH is not a masterwork by any stretch of the imagination, but the 2009 edition completely lacks one thing the 1980 film had going for it: the element of surprise. This version tries to drum up scares through cranked up noises on the soundtrack but rarely utilizes the hockey-masked killer's presence in such unexpected ways. HALLOWEEN II continues Rob Zombie's defiling of a franchise already with its share of low points. THE FINAL DESTINATION is essentially scraps and rehashes of the first three films with the waning novelty of 3-D. Although THE COLLECTOR isn't based on preexisting films, its paucity of plot--the entirety is practically all first act--hardly qualifies it for being called original. Perhaps the biggest problem with all of these horror films is a simple one: they aren't scary.

6. AMELIA (Mira Nair, 2009)

AMELIA fails on almost every level, but at least star Hilary Swank resembles Amelia Earhart. OK, the production design is nice too. An unflattering portrait of the famous aviator intended as tribute, AMELIA is a prime example of the biographical film as a wiki movie and all the negative connotations that brings. The superficial journey skips through history as a series of bullet points. Although the film takes a potentially interesting angle on Earhart as something of a public relations creation, it winds up getting bogged down in a romance whose complexity is also underdeveloped. Of all the films among my worsts of the year, this is the biggest missed opportunity, especially since AMELIA has the seeds of being a far more fascinating film than it is.

7. ALL ABOUT STEVE (Phil Traill, 2009)

Sandra Bullock's tireless, stalker-like behavior as the main character in ALL ABOUT STEVE suggests that it ought to be a horror film rather than the dreadfully unfunny romantic comedy and anti-mass media screed it is. The inability of Bullock's Mary to decode social cues and her ceaseless cheer are intended as cute quirks, as though she's an innocent venturing into the world for the first time. Bullock plays Mary as a sweet savant with no concept of how demented she is. Twinkly tics and all, Bullock's performance is an irritating one, to say the least. It's as if Poppy, the optimistic main character of HAPPY-GO-LUCKY, wandered into this movie and lost all self-awareness.

8. I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER (Chris Columbus, 2009)

I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER hopes to combine the sweet underpinnings of '80s John Hughes comedies and SUPERBAD'S zany and provocative ways, but the resulting mess is a film with unlikable characters in a go-nowhere storyline. The ugly and unfunny teen romp leaves me wondering if anyone involved with the production ever was or has ever known adolescents. I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER plays like a hysterical response to lurid news reports of sexting and the like than an emotionally genuine portrayal of teenage hopes and fears.

9. NEW IN TOWN (Jonas Elmer, 2009)

Ditzy city slicker Renée Zellweger gets a tedious education in small town virtues in NEW IN TOWN. Hollywood (and politicians) favor the traditional depiction of tiny communities as pristine oases of enlightenment even if the tired idea is not necessarily true. The hoary trope is doubly worse in its employment in NEW IN TOWN. The doltish portrayal of the folksy Minnesota population, who represent the bootstrapping Midwest in general, would be insulting if the brainless romantic comedy weren't so dopey.

10. DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION (James Wong, 2009)

The shoddy DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION is no different or bigger than the sort of junk kids plop down to watch on TV after school. This live action version of the manga/anime DRAGONBALL universe is too bland and convoluted for new viewers to recognize what all the fuss is about and, I suspect, too simplified and disrespectful of the source material for the fan base. The basic story is as old as time, so this sturdy construct needs compelling heroes and villains to distinguish itself from others of this ilk. The characters don't evolve but merely complete tasks on a to-do list. The cheap effects and bargain backlot action wouldn't have wowed anyone twenty years ago, let alone today, proving that going from animation to live action isn't an advancement for DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION.

The Worst Films of 2008

There's value in observing what makes films successful and what makes them fail. Sometimes it's easier to learn from bad movies than it is from the good ones. Explaining what works can be more difficult to pin down than spotting the techniques that lead to cinematic disaster.

There's value in finding what you like, what you don't like, and why you have those likes and dislikes. I'm an introspective sort anyway, so to me it's helpful to understand why certain things speak to me and other things don't.

High-mindedness aside, if I wasn't a critic, I would not have subjected myself to most of the films making my worst list, but I believe there is an obligation to keep up with what's out there, even if that means visiting the dregs of the cinema.

1. COLLEGE (Deb Hagan, 2008)

Although COLLEGE has its roots in raucous higher education comedies, what it really wants to be is SUPERBAD minus the affection for the characters. COLLEGE double majors in raunch and degradation of the trio of high school friends and actors portraying them. It's humiliation as career move for former Nickelodeon star Drake Bell and squeaky clean AMERICAN IDOL finalist Kevin "Chicken Little" Covais. The filmmakers are all too happy to dish out the indignity. For as much disdain that COLLEGE possesses for its characters and actors, it is equally as contemptuous of its audience. Nudity and vulgar depictions of hard partying and hazing are apparently all COLLEGE thinks viewers want. Original or funny jokes don't matter. Being offensive is one thing; COLLEGE makes you feel dirty for having watched it.

2. MEET THE SPARTANS (Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, 2008)

MEET THE SPARTANS, a feature-length parody of 300, isn't terribly different from VH-1's BEST WEEK EVER, except for the lack of self-conscious irony and smugness. It stands above (or below) the culture and takes potshots at easy targets. The triumvirate of celebrity bad girls are mocked, Spartans are totally gay for each other, and reality TV judges are self-absorbed clowns. Burn! Writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have made a career out of pop culture-mocking time capsules with exceedingly short shelf lives. Maybe there wouldn't be anything so wrong with the disposability of their movies if they were funny.

3. ZOMBIE STRIPPERS (Jay Lee, 2008)

Like so many exploitation movies, the title ZOMBIE STRIPPERS is more enjoyable and memorable than the actual product. Unsurprisingly ZOMBIE STRIPPERS is poorly acted, written, directed, edited, and lit, but it is so tedious to watch that this might be the first movie that would be improved if Uwe Boll were calling the shots. At least the oft-derided director would have dropped the pretense of shoehorning in political subtext in an attempt to bring class to such a trashy film.

4. AN AMERICAN CAROL (David Zucker, 2008)

Writer-director David Zucker has been coasting for a long time on early career, exclamation point-punctuated creative successes (AIRPLANE!, TOP SECRET!, and POLICE SQUAD!), so objections to his latest so-called comedy are not primarily political. He hasn't made anything worthwhile since THE NAKED GUN, and AN AMERICAN CAROL'S recycled silliness keeps him on the schneid. Sure, jokes based on meager Republican talking points don't do the film any favors, mainly because putting ideology first is rarely funny. As unworthy of debate as the film's flimsy grandstanding is, AN AMERICAN CAROL isn't particularly inflammatory except for a tasteless invocation of 9/11. Reasonable people can disagree about issues facing the nation, but AN AMERICAN CAROL'S comedy style and politics are sorely missing that kind of thoughtfulness.

5. NOBEL SON (Randall Miller, 2007)

The nasty, self-satisfied NOBEL SON comes straight from the mold of mid- to late-1990s Tarantino imitations dominating video store shelves. Like so many of its theatrical and direct-to-video brethren, NOBEL SON is fueled by perceived cleverness rather than actual wit and innovation. Lots of "style" is imposed with little effect on this glib exercise in plot convolutions and hateful characters.

6. THE WOMEN (Diane English, 2008)

MURPHY BROWN creator and THE WOMEN writer-director Diane English aspires to present strong women, but this miserable lot come off as fragile, helpless, and sorely lacking an arsenal of witty retorts that their counterparts in the 1939 original possessed. Rather than a funny, empowering look at modern females, THE WOMEN serves laughless reinforcement of many of the old stereotypes.

7. MAX PAYNE (John Moore, 2008)

A video game adaptation slathered with action scenes and film noir atmospherics might sound like potentially brainless fun, but the mind-numbing repetition, emotionless performances, and needlessly complicated plot make MAX PAYNE earn a title promising extreme suffering.

8. MAMMA MIA! (Phyllida Lloyd, 2008)

In a classic example of mistranslating material from stage to screen, first-time movie director Phyllida Lloyd calls for her actors to deliver broad performances that reach the last row of the auditorium. For a medium dominated by close-ups, and a shot selection Lloyd often favors, the over-the-top acting style quickly becomes overbearing. Usually it is a joy to watch Meryl Streep practicing her craft, but in MAMMA MIA! it's embarrassing to see her mugging and flouncing about like a skittish teenager. ABBA's songs are as insanely catchy as always, perhaps maddeningly so, but if that's all MAMMA MIA! has to offer, one would be better served by their greatest hits CD than the mostly amateur hour singing in the film.

9. DISASTER MOVIE (Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, 2008)

Friedberg and Seltzer's DISASTER MOVIE is their "better" 2008 parody, meaning that they provided a more solid framework for stringing together sketches and I actually laughed a few times. Hip fave-turned-backlash recipient JUNO takes a few well-deserved licks, but other than that it's the same old toothless humor that might be called juvenile if the film could reach the intellectual standard of playground taunts.

10. FOUR CHRISTMASES (Seth Gordon, 2008)

Apparently Hollywood believes nothing gets folks into the holiday spirit like movies about how much scorn people deserve. CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS, SURVIVING CHRISTMAS, and DECK THE HALLS are some examples with little to no good will toward men or filmmaking prowess. (At least the crude and misanthropic BAD SANTA has the charity to donate laughs.) This joyless affair with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn as family-avoiding grinches employs Christmas gatherings more for MEET THE PARENTS-like possibilities, but whatever the aim, FOUR CHRISTMASES couldn't be more unappealing in spirit and cinematography.